I was sitting on the deck, trying to read Let's Pretend This Never Happened, by Jenny Lawson, while also trying not to faint from the oxygen deprivation caused by the uncontrollable laughing this book triggers, when my wife called me. She was at Bed, Bath & Beyond, looking for a shower stool and a new kitchen clock. These were to replace similar items we purchased 5.5 years ago at the time of our home purchase. The stool had given its all and one day collapsed in on itself while Jules was in the shower. The crash was so loud and reverberating that I ran back there to make sure she hadn't succumbed to a freak shampoo accident, but it had just been the sound of the many, many, oversized hair care products that had been covering the seat. Around the same time it seemed the kitchen clock's battery needed replacing, which I did, but the clock crapped out again a few days later. Not to be defeated, I determined that the battery must have been faulty, and replaced it again. Repeat result.
Fast forward to this morning, and the call. She can't find the clocks. I loathe shopping, so I certainly can't tell her where they're located (although I do have an app that tells me where each store is in any mall - the better to get in, get out), so she's just going to have to ask. Hangs up.
Five minutes later, she's found the clocks and wants to know what kind I want. Again, I can't actually see the selection, so I can't really assist. I liked the old clock, so perhaps something similar? "They don't have that clock." Not surprising - we bought it 5.5 years ago (see above, silly). But then I started thinking about what kind of clock I really would want. My mom has this bird clock over the kitchen/dining room doorway that blasts out a different bird song on the hour, every hour. It's a little startling if you happen to be walking right under it at the stroke of whatever. No, I don't want that one, but what if it were a sci-fi themed clock? Characters from the Star Trek universe, who would call out a trademark phrase at their appointed time. "Make it so." "Fascinating." "I am NOT a merry man!" I soooo want this clock.
After patiently listening to this, she patiently tells me that they don't have that clock. Of course not - I just created it! In my head! How do we go about making it real? They'd totally pick it up on ThinkGeek.com. Of course we'd have to get licensing rights from Paramount. Hmm. What? Oh, what clock to get today? One like our old one, I guess.
Upon her return home, she joined me on the deck, let me read her another excerpt from the hysterical book (I had followed her around the house reading her snippets this morning), then told me that I could get a Star Trek clock for my office. She tolerates the sci-fi, as long as it doesn't infringe too far into common areas.
I found one with Star Trek ships, this kitschy, TOS clock, and a number of clocks that I probably could quietly hang on the kitchen wall without being noticed. Hmmm. I'll get back to you on this.